Araprosdokians

ARAPROSDOKIANS (Winston Churchill loved them) are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous. Author(s): Unknown. Alas.

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it. 

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on my list. 

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak. 

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong. 

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left. 

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. 

8. They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research. 

10. Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. On my desk is a work station.

11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks . 

12. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR."

13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you. 

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy. 

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman. 

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory. 

17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with. 

19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

20. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure. 

21. You're never too old to learn something stupid. 

22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target. 

23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. 

24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. 

26. Where there's a will, there are relatives.

27. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but its getting harder and harder for me to find one now.

James Joyce Apocrypha

If “read a lot, write a lot” is the Great Commandment— and I assure you that it is— how much writing constitutes a lot? That varies, of course, from writer to writer.  One of my favorite stories on the subject— probably more myth than truth— concerns James Joyce.  According to the story, a friend came to visit him one day and found the great man sprawled across his writing desk in a posture of utter despair. 

            “James, what’s wrong?” the friend asked. “Is it the work?”

            Joyce indicated assent without even raising his head to look at his friend.  Of course it was the work; isn’t it always?

            “How many words did you get today?” the friend pursued.

            Joyce (still in despair, still sprawled facedown on his desk): “Seven.”

            “Seven? But James… that’s good, at least for you!”

            “Yes,” Joyce said, finally looking up. “I suppose it is… but I don’t know what order they go in!” 

~Stephen King, On Writing

Shrink vs. Bartender

Ever since I was a kid, I’ve had trouble sleeping. Finally, I went to see a shrink. 

”I've got problems,” I told the doc.  "Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody 
under it.  I'm scared.  I think I'm going crazy.'

' 

“Just put yourself in my hands for one year,” he said. “Come talk 
to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.'

' 

“How much do you charge?'

'

“Eighty dollars a visit.” 

”I'll sleep on it.” 

Six months later, I ran into the doc at the local watering hole. “Why didn't you come to 
see me about those fears you were having?” he asked.

“Well,” I said,  “Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot 
of money.  The bartender cured me for $10.  I was so happy to have saved all 
that money, I bought myself a new car!'

'

“Is that so!” he said, with a bit of an attitude. “And how, may I ask, did 
the bartender cure you?'

' 

“He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there 
now!”  
 
 

Shrink 0 Bartender 1

Father O'Malley

An Irish priest was transferred to Texas. Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.

He promptly called the local police station. The conversation went like this:

"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann 's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment...

Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye,'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for my call."

Iceberg, Goldberg….

A Chinese man and his Jewish friend are walking along one day when the Jewish man suddenly slugs the Chinese man in the mouth.

"What was that for?" the Chinese man asks.

"That was for Pearl Harbor!"

"Pearl Harbor? That was the Japanese. I'm Chinese."

"Chinese, Japanese, what's the difference?"

They continue walking in silence, then the Chinese man punches the Jew in the face.

"What's that all about?" the Jew asks.

"That was for the Titanic!"

"The Titanic? That was an iceberg."

"Iceberg, Goldberg, what's the difference?"

A woman's place...

One night former President Obama and his wife Michelle decided to break out, and go for a casual dinner at a restaurant that wasn't too luxurious.  When they were seated, the owner of the restaurant asked the president's secret service if he could please speak to the First Lady in private. They obliged and Michelle had a conversation with the owner. 

Following this conversation President Obama asked Michelle, "Why was he so interested in talking to you?" She mentioned that in her teenage years, he had been madly in love with her.  President Obama then said, "So, if you had married him, you would now be the owner of this lovely restaurant." To which Michelle responded, "No, if I had married him, he would now be the President."

Did this conversation actually occur? Inquiry with snopes.com pending.

Las Vegas Churches Accept Gambling Chips

This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas, but there are more Catholic churches than casinos. Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when they basket is passed.  Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings. The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in. This is done by the chip monks.

Moshe's drink

Moshe was sitting at the bar staring at his drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink, gulps it down in one swig and menacingly says, “Thanks Jew Boy, whatcha going to do about it?" Moshe burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying. What’s your problem?"

"This is the worst day of my life," Moshe says.  "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the postman and then my dog bit me.  So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink; drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing! 

"But enough about me. How's your day going?"